THE EAST CENTRAL INDIANA CHAPTER Of THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDSIf You'd like to use any of the articles in your TCF newsletters, feel free:
Think about Organ Donation
For the past few days we have been house bound due to the ice storm, as most everyone has. At the first of the week we watched the “Celebration of Life” for the young Indianapolis policeman, David Moore, who was shot and killed while on duty. As we learned how his parents planned and carried out a last goodbye to their son, I was reminded that grief can be expressed in so many different ways. In the more than seventeen years since our daughter Teresa died, I have observed many ways in which people grieve, and what can help them and comfort them.
Even though the parents were still very much in shock, I am amazed at how well they were able to eulogize their son at the ceremony. They spoke such wonderful words, related their memories, and read letters from friends. In future days that will help them so much.
When Teresa died we knew nothing about planning funerals, having never before lost a child. She had a very nice, mostly basic funeral. Looking back, I know some things we could have done differently. One of the most comforting actions we could have taken would have been to use the organ donation program if at all possible. We did not, and I have regretted it since. We just were not prepared to even think about it at that time. I am certain Teresa would have wanted to be an organ donor and that might have helped us with our grief. The family of the young policeman has already received word that some of his organs were quickly utilized to help others. That surely makes them feel good about organ donation.
In writing this I want to remind others that there are many many ways to make final plans. Whatever we do, our loved one is not loved any less or more. This is a subject we have discussed at times at our Compassionate Friends meetings, and everyone has unique ideas. It would be good to give some thought to organ donation if you haven’t already made that decision.
When we grieve, compassion, not advice, is needed
As Compassionate Friends we are trained to offer our experiences and to let the newly bereaved know what has helped us. In no way should we try to push or impose our thoughts, religion, or feelings onto others at our meetings. I have been guilty of this myself, and hope I have learned over the years that it is not helpful to grieving people.
When I became a newly bereaved parent over 17 years ago I found that some who were bereaved before me wanted to advise me how to grieve. It is not acceptable to tell others how to mourn. Each child, the circumstances of each death, and each family are totally different so no two people will grieve alike. We try to listen and support the members as well as the new people who attend in hopes they will return.
We have found that our annual balloon release, our picnic and our December Candle Light Service each year can help to educate people about this support group. Our purpose is to be there for anyone who has lost a child, sibling or grandchild.
After setting up small booths at different times we have learned from those who stop to talk to us that the word is still not out about our Compassionate Friends chapter meetings in the local area. I suppose it’s because if there isn’t a need, there may not be an interest. Our goal is to let others know of our existence and that we will be there for them if we are ever needed.
When to part with our child’s belongings
By Jackie Wesley
Chapter leader, The Compassionate Friends
East Central Indiana There are so many extremely helpful grief resources. Through the Internet, I have been fortunate to talk to other bereaved parents in chat rooms and by e-mail. I enjoy reading the letters that other parents have written to the Atlanta Sharing website, and I have also shared on this website on special occasions. I receive many newsletters e-mailed from other TCF chapters. Even with all the wonderful Internet websites and outreach opportunities, my opinion is that the most important sharing is in a physical group of other bereaved parents. We are very much like family. We can share even the smallest details that those who have never lost a child may not understand. One subject often shared is what to do with a deceased child’s belongings, which we now hold dear.
A couple of weeks ago I was watching a TV show with a professional organizer on helping a bereaved family sort through the belongings of their young son who had died a few years ago. The organizer was not a bereaved parent and he surely did not understand the bereaved parents’ feelings; he called the items “clutter.” He said he would help them to “de-clutter.” Now that is not a word that any of us would use to describe our deceased loved ones’ belongings!
We all have different feelings about our child’s belongings. As we have discussed in our Compassionate Friends’ support meetings, most of us feel the belongings are “treasures.” Until we personally make the decision to part with them (if ever), I see no reason to let go of them.
The most precious treasures we now have are our memories. Second to our memories are the actual items that our child or loved one used, held, or maybe received as a gift. It’s not the item itself; it’s the memory that goes along with it. And in my way of thinking, that makes it a treasure to keep forever.
The bereaved must be educators to the non-bereaved
By Jackie Wesley
It seems to me that since my daughter Teresa died almost 14 years ago, I have stepped into the field of teaching the non-bereaved how to treat those who are now bereaved. How else can we all live in harmony if others do not realize how we feel and will always feel after the loss of our loved one? Before Teresa died I absolutely didn’t know how someone who was bereaved was feeling. I guess ignorance IS bliss, at least in some cases.
At our monthly Compassionate Friends meetings we discuss how many non-bereaved people do not understand our feelings or how to help us. I know that to be true. Friends may desert us because they don’t know what to say or how to relate to us in our grief. That alone is another loss.
Those who have never experienced a grief so profound can never imagine what to do to help us. When we are grieving we cannot know YET what we need or what to tell others that we need.
Thank God, after we have traveled down the long lonely path of grief for a while, we become like teachers. We can relate to our friends, and sometimes strangers, who are interested in learning what has helped us. Hopefully they will use this newly found knowledge to help another at the time that it is needed.
I am always open and available to talk to groups about the loss of a child and the help that The Compassionate Friends support group offers.
Bereaved people are courageous people
By Jackie Wesley
It has been said that it takes courage to let go after you lose a child or a loved one. I believe that is true, although it’s not a choice we give to ourselves. After a death, we may be considered courageous just to go on living, when what we really want most at that time is to join our loved one (at least in the beginning.)
We are never the same person as when our child or loved one was alive. We may become bitter; we may become more compassionate; we may even change the way we live our life. It takes some of us several years to feel we want to live again. I personally think doing something in our child’s memory is helpful and can even give us an uplifting feeling-- maybe a reason to begin living again.
When our child dies one of the most courageous things we can do is to walk into a Compassionate Friends support meeting. We all have found that after the second or third time we attend we are very comfortable sharing stories and memories of our children. It is comforting to be able to talk with others who have experienced the same feelings and to have the reassurance that we are NOT LOSING our minds (as many worry they are.)
Sometimes only the mother or only the father will attend, and that’s fine, as we all grieve differently. Many times both parents come together and learn from the other members many helpful ways to heal.
There are some very special music programs for bereaved parents that parents may find helpful in coping with their grief.
Tell me who your child is
By Jackie Wesley
One of our Compassionate Friends members was asked this question at a regional conference in
I found it to be a very interesting topic, because it brought back many memories that I had not talked about for a long while. It seems that we can get into a kind of rut after telling our stories several times (maybe to the same people). When we actually write about the child from their birth to their death, there are a lot of great things that come to mind that we’d like to share.
Writing and journaling is good practice for anyone who has lost a loved one, especially if they share that story with other family members who might never have had the good fortune to know that special person.
Before she died my Mother-in-law wrote a short story of her life, describing how she met his father and all about life as she grew up in
Not only will writing a story about our child or loved one further our own healing; it may help others to always remember something about the person who died. As bereaved parents or family we want that person to be remembered now that we no longer have them in our physical lives.
A personal short story would make a wonderful gift to someone who is grieving, and I am certain it would be very much appreciated.