THE EAST CENTRAL INDIANA CHAPTER Of THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDSIf You'd like to use any of the articles in your TCF newsletters, feel free:
The bereaved must be educators to the non-bereaved
By Jackie Wesley
It seems to me that since my daughter Teresa died almost 14 years ago, I have stepped into the field of teaching the non-bereaved how to treat those who are now bereaved. How else can we all live in harmony if others do not realize how we feel and will always feel after the loss of our loved one? Before Teresa died I absolutely didn’t know how someone who was bereaved was feeling. I guess ignorance IS bliss, at least in some cases.
At our monthly Compassionate Friends meetings we discuss how many non-bereaved people do not understand our feelings or how to help us. I know that to be true. Friends may desert us because they don’t know what to say or how to relate to us in our grief. That alone is another loss.
Those who have never experienced a grief so profound can never imagine what to do to help us. When we are grieving we cannot know YET what we need or what to tell others that we need.
Thank God, after we have traveled down the long lonely path of grief for a while, we become like teachers. We can relate to our friends, and sometimes strangers, who are interested in learning what has helped us. Hopefully they will use this newly found knowledge to help another at the time that it is needed.
I am always open and available to talk to groups about the loss of a child and the help that The Compassionate Friends support group offers.
Bereaved people are courageous people
By Jackie Wesley
It has been said that it takes courage to let go after you lose a child or a loved one. I believe that is true, although it’s not a choice we give to ourselves. After a death, we may be considered courageous just to go on living, when what we really want most at that time is to join our loved one (at least in the beginning.)
We are never the same person as when our child or loved one was alive. We may become bitter; we may become more compassionate; we may even change the way we live our life. It takes some of us several years to feel we want to live again. I personally think doing something in our child’s memory is helpful and can even give us an uplifting feeling-- maybe a reason to begin living again.
When our child dies one of the most courageous things we can do is to walk into a Compassionate Friends support meeting. We all have found that after the second or third time we attend we are very comfortable sharing stories and memories of our children. It is comforting to be able to talk with others who have experienced the same feelings and to have the reassurance that we are NOT LOSING our minds (as many worry they are.)
Sometimes only the mother or only the father will attend, and that’s fine, as we all grieve differently. Many times both parents come together and learn from the other members many helpful ways to heal.
There are some very special music programs for bereaved parents that parents may find helpful in coping with their grief. On September 17 the Whitewater Valley TCF group is sponsoring an evening with Alan Pederson as a part of his “Angels Are Forever Tour”. Alan lost his daughter Ashley and has written many songs in her memory. If you know someone who would enjoy his beautiful music please come and invite them along. It will be at
Tell me who your child is
By Jackie Wesley
One of our Compassionate Friends members was asked this question at a regional conference in
I found it to be a very interesting topic, because it brought back many memories that I had not talked about for a long while. It seems that we can get into a kind of rut after telling our stories several times (maybe to the same people). When we actually write about the child from their birth to their death, there are a lot of great things that come to mind that we’d like to share.
Writing and journaling is good practice for anyone who has lost a loved one, especially if they share that story with other family members who might never have had the good fortune to know that special person.
Before she died my Mother-in-law wrote a short story of her life, describing how she met his father and all about life as she grew up in
Not only will writing a story about our child or loved one further our own healing; it may help others to always remember something about the person who died. As bereaved parents or family we want that person to be remembered now that we no longer have them in our physical lives.
A personal short story would make a wonderful gift to someone who is grieving, and I am certain it would be very much appreciated.
When to part with our child’s belongings
By Jackie Wesley
There are so many grief resources on the internet that I am finding to be extremely helpful to me. I have been fortunate to talk to other bereaved parents in chat rooms and also by e- mail. I enjoy reading the letters that other parents have written to the Atlanta Sharing website; I too have written in, on special occasions. I also receive many newsletters from other TCF chapters. Even with all this wonderful outreach and internet websites, my opinion is that the most important sharing is in a physical group of other bereaved parents. We are very much like family. We can share even the smallest details that those who have never lost a child may not understand, such as the things we now hold dear.
A couple of weeks ago I was watching a TV show that had a professional organizer on helping a bereaved family sort through the things they had kept of their young son who had died a few years ago. The organizer was not a bereaved parent and surely did not understand bereaved parents feelings; he called the items “clutter.” He would help them to “declutter.” Now that is not a word that any of us would use to describe our deceased loved ones belongings!
We all have different feelings about the items. As we have discussed in our support meetings, most of us feel they are “treasures.” Until we personally make the decision to part with them (if ever), I see no reason to let go of them.
The most precious treasures we now have are our memories. Second to our memories are the actual items that our child or loved one used, held, or maybe received as a gift. It’s not the item itself; it’s the memory that goes along with it. And in my way of thinking, that makes it a treasure to keep forever.
Bereaved parents need to be busy
By Jackie Wesley
At times we bereaved parents need to stay busy, whether it’s making memorials for our children or spreading the news of our Compassionate Friends support group. The natural reaction after losing our loved one is to do nothing. We may feel stifled and cannot think very efficiently; sometimes we just don’t care. But soon we need to move back into the world of living, perhaps by going back to work or by just doing the everyday chores. It is easy to cave in to depression if we allow it.
I feel that sharing our child’s memories with anyone who will listen and care, such as at a Compassionate Friends support meeting or any other bereavement meeting and even with family and friends, can help us progress though our grief a little bit faster.
Many have journeyed through writing and share that it has helped them. Looking back at your journals several months later will certainly show how “telling the story” in writing has helped you.
Others share that they receive comfort from choosing a symbol that may remind them of their child. To remember my daughter Teresa I have as her symbols butterflies, angels and also several black cats which she had collected before her death. Others have chosen certain cars, rainbows, feathers, birds, even food items. Seeing these symbols gives the parents a good feeling and also brings their child to mind. Friends often help with the collection of these symbols. I guess it’s their way of saying, “I want to help.”
Many parents or siblings report that they find comfort in wearing something that belonged to their deceased loved ones, such as clothing or colognes. Whatever gives you comfort is certainly what you SHOULD DO!! I would love to hear from others about the different ways they have found comfort after losing a loved one.
When to part with our child’s belongings
By Jackie Wesley
There are so many grief resources on the internet that I am finding to be extremely helpful to me. I have been fortunate to talk to other bereaved parents in chat rooms and also by e- mail. I enjoy reading the letters that other parents have written to the Atlanta Sharing website; I too have written in, on special occasions. I also receive many newsletters from other TCF chapters. Even with all this wonderful outreach and internet websites, my opinion is that the most important sharing is in a physical group of other bereaved parents. We are very much like family. We can share even the smallest details that those who have never lost a child may not understand, such as the things we now hold dear.
A couple of weeks ago I was watching a TV show that had a professional organizer on helping a bereaved family sort through the things they had kept of their young son who had died a few years ago. The organizer was not a bereaved parent and surely did not understand bereaved parents feelings; he called the items “clutter.” He would help them to “declutter.” Now that is not a word that any of us would use to describe our deceased loved ones belongings!
We all have different feelings about the items. As we have discussed in our support meetings, most of us feel they are “treasures.” Until we personally make the decision to part with them (if ever), I see no reason to let go of them.
The most precious treasures we now have are our memories. Second to our memories are the actual items that our child or loved one used, held, or maybe received as a gift. It’s not the item itself; it’s the memory that goes along with it. And in my way of thinking, that makes it a treasure to keep forever.
Does our grief ever get better?
By Jackie Wesley
Whenever I watch a movie in which a young person dies, I find that 13 ½ years after my daughter Teresa died I can recall some of the same feelings as when it actually happened. I’m not sure if it’s a good thing or a bad thing to revisit those feelings, but what I am sure of is that the feelings are not nearly as strong as they were when it really happened that long time ago. Although I don’t like them, they let me know she will always be missed and I will always be hurting inside. It is not easy to tell newly bereaved parents that it gets easier (when in fact, it actually does) but that the hurt will never go away. I feel they may be thinking that when we say it gets better, we mean it goes away. It does not!! Well, anything at all is BETTER. When our child dies, it is the absolute worst. So from there on it’s all better.
I recently watched the movie Steel Magnolias. Actress Julia Roberts happened to star in it, and she also happened to be Teresa’s favorite movie star, so it was doubly meaningful to me. In the movie the character played by Julia suffered a coma and was put on life support, just as Teresa was. I could relate to her family, especially her mother, when she vented her anger and went through all the turmoil we parents have when we lose our child. She spoke the words I think we all do when our child dies, “We are supposed to die first, not our children!!”
This is why The Compassionate Friends is so helpful to me as well as to many others. I believe that support groups are needed to help us be able to say aloud what we are feeling. We need to talk it out; as it helps us in our healing.
Reflections of Bravery
By Jackie Wesley
As I sat and watched the funeral of Former President Gerald Ford, a few weeks ago, my thoughts went back to the different times when my daughter Teresa, my parents, and my in-laws died. I could feel the pain that I know without a doubt Betty Ford was feeling. I could remember how brave I tried to appear when all I really wanted to do was go off to myself and cry my eyes out and scream. I could see the anguish that Betty had on her face as she also appeared to be brave.
Many of our Compassionate Friends members (and anyone who has lost a loved one) can relate to Betty Ford and the bravery she showed to the public. At our monthly support meetings, some of us have talked about almost feeling as if we were hosting an event during the visitation at the funeral home or at the luncheon after the funeral. I am certain now that the numbness and shock that take over at a time of great loss enable us to survive these times.
My husband’s Uncle Eldon died last month, and as we left to return home, his wife remarked, “Don’t forget me.” I hope that everyone reading this will keep that in mind. Don’t forget those who are left grieving; they’ll never need you more than they do now.
If you are a bereaved parent, sibling or grandparent and would like to attend one or both of our meetings,
TIME
By Jackie Wesley
Time and what we do with it, can help us through our grief or it can also be a hindrance in our lives as we now have. We hope in due time we will be healed enough to function again and enjoy our lives somewhat as we did before our child died.
But it’s the today time I’d like to address, what do we do with the time we have now? Are we giving enough to our families and friends?
Are we staying too busy to enjoy the children, the spouses and the siblings and friends we have that are still living? I know when we are grieving, it’s easy to feel it’s only “me” who is hurting, but grief affects everyone. Especially those who are close to you. We must not draw away from the people who are so special in our lives, don’t let time become a four letter word to those around you.
Listen to yourself when you say “I don’t have time to do that” I don’t have time to listen now” I don’t have time to go there with you” “I don’t have time for you”
After a while its almost like hearing I don’t want to take the time for such things or for you, and that is very hurtful to anyone who hears it.
It not only hurts feelings but it can drive the loved ones away from you and that’s the last thing any one in grief needs. We need our spouses, our children and siblings and our friends at our sides and in our lives. We do not want to someday say “I wish I had taken the time ……….”
Let us help others in the New Year
By Jackie Wesley
As I sit here today I am wondering how to describe my feelings when playing a video of my daughter Teresa who died 12 years ago. I am trying to figure out how to capture a few special scenes from the videos with my computer. I think back to some pretty wonderful, happy times and it sure does my healing a lot of good. I somehow feel as if I just had a visit with her.
Watching videos of our children after they have died may not be for everyone, but I do have to wonder if there are some parents who would get some of the same benefits as I do, if they’d just give it a try. It’s been a long while since I last watched our videos and even though I enjoyed them then, I find them even more enjoyable now.
Time helps us to see things differently as we progress along in our bereavement. I get “bonuses” after watching Teresa’s videos. I sometimes have great dreams and I feel they were triggered because of the movies and the memories they bring about.
If you have anything at all that gives you comfort in your bereavement this coming New Year, I urge you to do it often and tell others what has helped you so they too may be able to find the same or similar comfort.
If you have lost a child, sibling, or a grandchild, there are two Compassionate Friends support groups in
My wish is that we all have a gentle New Year.
You Never Get Over the Death of Your Child
By Jackie Wesley
In our Compassionate Friends support groups, we discuss how you never get over our children’s death, but we do say it gets different, just never over it. There may be times when we don’t think of it as often as we did in the very beginning, or we have evolved to the place where there are better memories than the ones of their death.
There is a song that was written and sung by a bereaved parent, Alan Pederson who tells it like it is,, the song is called “A little farther down the road” and I recently played the song at our meeting because it lets the newly bereaved parents learn what we, who are farther along knows now.
In the beginning of our agonizing, desperate, feeling of grief, all of us have felt it would/could never be any better, and that’s the message we at The Compassionate Friends want to share with all of the newly bereaved parents, siblings and grandparents and also any others who have lost a loved one.
They say time heals, but most of us say it’s not time that heals; it’s what we do with that time that is the true healing. When we do things in memory of our children, no matter how small of a task it may be, it promotes healing, it is always a good feeling when we can reach out and help another, through their pain, it is also a way to help us survive such a loss.
When grieving, advice is not needed, compassion is
By Jackie Wesley
As a bereaved parent, and chapter leader I have learned that many who were bereaved before me, wanted to advise me how to grieve, It is not acceptable to tell others how to grieve as all grief’s are different, the child, the circumstances are totally different so no one will grieve alike.
As Compassionate Friends we are trained, to offer our experiences and let the newly bereaved know what has helped us, but in no way are we to push our thoughts, religion, or feelings off onto others at our meetings. I have been guilty of this myself, as I know what comforts me but I am learning too
We try to listen and support the members as well as the new people who attend, in hopes they will return.
Many of us have found that getting together for our annual balloon releases, our picnic’s and our “Walk To Remember” ( which is Aug 13th) help us to educate people that there is a support group that may be beneficial to them if they should ever loose a child, sibling or grandchild or if they know someone who has.
After setting up a small booth at a Senior Expo recently we discovered by the many who stopped to talk to us that the word is still not out about our Compassionate Friends meetings in the area. I suppose it’s because if there isn’t a need, there may not be an interest. Our goal is to let others know of our existence, and that we will be there for them if we are ever needed.
For more information on the Compassionate Friends call 886-5643 or e-mail jackiewesley@peoplepc.com
Rainbows May be a Sign of Hope
By Jackie Wesley
My friend Jan and I recently had an opportunity to attend a Regional Conference of The Compassionate Friends in
We enjoyed all the speakers but one was so very interesting to me. Maybe it was because she voiced about everything I have felt but never had the words to put it down. I had not heard of the term “linking objects.” It describes a bereaved parent’s holding on to something our child had, or treasured, or something that makes us think of our child--anything that makes us feel closer to our child. (I have always used the term Symbols.)
The speaker, Linda Casey, told of her daughter Liz’s love of rainbows, and how she always carried small colorful tufts of embroidery thread in her pockets. She had earlier mentioned she felt that her life was grey and colorless. After Liz, who was depressed, died of suicide, this mother realized her daughter was carrying a rainbow of sorts around with her in her pocket. The mother felt that perhaps Liz had created something colorful in her life.
The story made me think about one time when Teresa left to go back to her home in
The speaker shared a piece of her rainbow thread with me, and I will now carry a rainbow in my pocket in memory of her daughter Liz and my daughter Teresa.
For more information on the Compassionate Friends call 886-5643 or e-mail jackiewesley@peoplepc.com
We meet in Hagerstown at the Nettle Creek Healthcare Center on the third Tuesday of each month at 7:00 PM and in Richmond at the First English Lutheran Church, 2727 E. Main St. on the third Thursday at 7:00 PM